Roligheter!

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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 03 apr 2011 11:05

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won
500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush

C) Magpie

D) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple; It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 03 apr 2011 11:07

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 03 apr 2011 11:09

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a senator in the Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.
If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav PowerMizer 03 apr 2011 12:49

Mycket bra historier! Den sista får mej att le inombords! :mrgreen:
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 03 apr 2011 14:06

... and a few more...

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
.
.
.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
.
.
.
.
.
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 03 apr 2011 14:07

A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for ?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says,
.
.
.
.
.

"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"
If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 03 apr 2011 14:09

A professor at Oxford University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his class, he asks, 'How many of you believe in ghosts?' 90 pupils raise their hand.
'Of those who believe in ghosts, how many think you've seen a ghost?' 40 pupils raise their hand. That's really good.
'Anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 ...pupils raise their hand. Fantastic.
Now let me ask you one further question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' At the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience'.

The Middle Eastern pupil replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have s*x with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said goat"
If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav Dygnet är för kort. 03 apr 2011 23:15

Den billigaste besparingen?

Kära dagbok!

Förra året bytte jag ut alla mina fönster mot dyra tre-glas-lågenergi-fönster.

Den här veckan ringde en man från firman som installerat fönstren och
påpekade att de gjort jobbet för ett helt år sedan men ännu inte fått betalt.

OK, bara för att jag är blondin så betyder det inte att jag automatiskt är dum!!
Så jag berättade för karln vad hans snacksalige försäljare sagt för ett år sedan,
nämligen att efter ett år så har de här fönstren betalat sig själva.
... och HALLÅÅÅÅÅ, det har gått ett år nu!

Det blev tyst i andra änden av tråden så jag lade på.
Han ringde inte upp igen.

Han kände väl sig dum!
Dygnet är för kort.
 
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav PowerMizer 04 apr 2011 08:26

Dygnet är för kort. skrev:Kära dagbok!
Bild Dessa stackars blondiner! :mrgreen:
/PowerMizer
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav Göran.W 05 apr 2011 03:48

Hur det skulle det se ut om alla gjorde reklam för samma sak!!!!

Nya märken att välja på:

FELIX kondomer: Gör det goda godare
FROSTIES kondomer: De väcker tigern i dig
GEVALIA kondomer: När du får oväntat besök
NOKIA kondomer: Connecting people
OLW kondomer: För att du älskar det goda
CARLSHAMNS kondomer: Gott, gotti, gott gott
McDONALDS kondomer: Livet har sina goda stunder
LIBERO kondomer: Det känns tryggt
LÄTTA kondomer: Om du har bestämt dig
VICKS kondomer: Extra starka, extra friska
STATOIL kondomer: Det du behöver när du behöver det
PEDIGREE PAL kondomer: Rekomenderad av ledande uppfödare köttiga bitar rakt igenom
GINSANA kondomer: Orka mer
GB-GLASS kondomer: Jag och min magnum
LOREAL kondomer: För det är jag värd
GORE TEX kondomer: Guarantied to keep you dry
DELIKATESS YOGGI kondomer: Nya smarriga smaker i ny fin förpackning
ERICSSON kondomer: It's all about communication
MICROSOFT kondomer: Where do you want to go today
ALGRENS-BILAR kondomer: Det enda sättet att stoppa dom är i munnen
PRINGLES kondomer: Once you pop, you can't stop
BLÅ-BAND kondomer: Smaskens till sista slicken
SCAN:s kondomer: Lätt att laga :?
IF kondomer: Lugn vi känner till riskerna!
NIKE kondomer: Just do it!
Canon kondomer: You can!
ENIRO kondomer: Find it easy!
HÄSTENS kondomer: Försök hitta en bättre säng!
IKEA kondomer: Ingenting är omöjligt!
McDONALD's kondomer: I'm lovin' it!
TUBORG kondomer: "Gør livet skønt"
VIASAT kondomer: Your number one entertainer
VOLVO kondomer: For life
NORRLANDS GULD kondomer: Om du vill vara (för) dig själv för en stund
Garnier Fructis kondomen : Long & Strong Anti-Breakage Anti-Split-End Anti-Dullness
Dove Pro-age kondomen : Skyddar mot slitage
Aco cerat kondomen : Mjukgör torra läppar
Bergvärme är Livet! Men livet har inte gett mig annat än Luftvärmepumpar
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav RÖD@nörd 05 apr 2011 04:25

GB-GLASS kondomer: Jag och min magnum
SCAN:s kondomer: Lätt att laga :?
HÄSTENS kondomer: Försök hitta en bättre säng!
McDONALD's kondomer: I'm lovin' it!

:mrgreen:
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav Göran.W 16 apr 2011 03:40

Beatrice Ask (M) vill införa ett ­”samlagskontrakt
Vet inte om jag ska skratta eller gråta.
http://www.aftonbladet.se/debatt/debatt ... 2886190.ab
Bergvärme är Livet! Men livet har inte gett mig annat än Luftvärmepumpar
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 03 jun 2011 20:36

Baptizing a drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher *grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found him."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes, sputters, coughs, catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav PowerMizer 04 jun 2011 16:12

Bild

Vilken UNDERBAR väderstation!!!! :mrgreen:


Sen lite hemlisar från vita huset:

Bild
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav PowerMizer 04 jun 2011 16:34

Och jag är nöjd med Net1's digitala 450-bredband?!?!?!?
Bild

Okej, surfa med joystick'en ger väl inte så mycket ny information.... :roll:
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